Hey Everybody, a lot is happening. It seems there is one calamity after another, before we can digest and fully understand one tumultuous incident another one is taking place.

These incidents could leave parents and teenagers alike paralyzed with fear, and powerlessness. With the level of violence that is targeted towards schools, what was a simple daily occurrence, children attending school, is now a low level anxiety producing experience.

No parent wants to hear that their child, friend, cousin, niece, or nephew, was a part of a shooting, or any other violent act.  These incidents leave us feeling powerless and clueless. All of the professionals involved are seeking to find answers to preventing these violent incidents. The prevailing question is, "didn't someone see it coming?"

We the parents may be the first line of defense. We can teach our children the warning signs that their friends are having serious problems. Teach them to report to an adult when their friends are talking about dying, joking about dying, or refusing to give up a grudge. Teach them that talk about hurting others is an indication that something is wrong.

The violence is terrible, but it's bothersome when others come forward stating that the perpetrator told them they were going to kill someone, but they never reported the perpetrator to anybody. We may look at it as teaching our teens to be "snitches" but we will appreciate it if a terrible incident is prevented.

Finally parents, pay attention to your teens, it's not good to avoid obvious problems. If you see a mood shift, a change in your tern's friends, your teenager is isolating themselves, your teenager is preoccupied with weapons, your teen is excessively jealous. If you feel uneasiness with your teen's friend, pay attention and be proactive, in preventing problems, big problems and small problems. If it's your teen seek professional help. If it's someone else teen talk to their parents, or alert the police.

It could be nothing, but it could be everything. Protect yourself and protect those you love, remember to act proactively.

Hey everybody,

We have no idea how many times disgruntled students threaten to shoot up schools, and kill others and then kill themselves. Schools are doing  a much better job at hearing these threats and intervening quickly, but there are many threats that don't come to the attention of school administrators. Yet after someone dies there is always a witness that comes forward, and relate that the person had said that they were going to hurt themselves.

I always wonder, why didn't the witness tell someone earlier?

I know I don't have to say this, but please talk to your children and tell them to let somebody know if they have friends that are threatening to hurt, maim, or kill themselves or somebody else. Listen, listen, listen to your teens.

If your teen broods over what they see as maltreatment, from the world. You may think that jumping in and supporting them, when they are wrong, will help, but actually it only makes the situation worse. The more they talk about the situation, often they become more irrational about the situation. They may conclude that their maltreatment is so severe that it warrants hurting others. They may hurt themselves to avoid punishment.

 I am amazed at how jealous young people can be. Jealousy is at the root of a lot of bullying. The bully may decide to hurt the person he is bullying, but just as often the victim of bullying may strike back. Due to feelings of  isolation, sadness, and fear bullied children may not see anyway out accept to destroy themselves and/or anyone whom they perceive is involved.

If a teen loses their girlfriend/boyfriend/best friend or if teens are feeling left out and excluded at school, and at home, this could lead to an all or nothing attitude towards solving their problem. The teen may feel the only way out of this is if they kill themselves and/or others.

There's many things that can be done to help:

1. If there has been a threat then get help for your family. I know we are aware of the teen's need for help, but get help for yourself. Find out if there is something you can do to help your teen.

2. Encourage socialization. Get your teen out and about with you and the extended family. Encourage healthy relationships with extended family members.

3. Speak hopefully. This is a time to speak hopefully in the presence of your teenager. Minimize problems, don't maximize problems. Pray with and for your teen.

4. Slow down. Keep a more regulated schedule.

5. Be honest and point out good things happening around them, to them, and for them. It's easy to focus on problems. Encourage teens to find something good in their lives.

This is a different age. Stress is affecting everyone, even small children. Encourage an environment of open communication and friendliness n your home. Encourage your children to see you as a person they can trust. Teach them to be open, and most importantly, if you see a problem, please encourage them to talk to you.

I was reading a newspaper article the other day, about another charter school is closing. These schools were to be an answer to what is considered a "failing" public school system. I don't know how charter schools were supposed to be an improvement over public schools in teaching children, but they were.

I assume teachers in charter schools were educated alongside with teachers in public schools setting. So the teachers' training wasn't that different. Unless colleges are graduating teachers who are already burnt out on the first day of their first job, new teachers' desire to teach and change the world one child at a time hasn't changed. Even teachers who has been around for a time, still speak with a glow about being able to teach young people.

 The students haven't changed. Children are children as far as I can tell. I will agree that technology is rivaling schools in keeping children's attention, but in every age there was something that was pulling a child's attention away from learning.

So what has changed?

These are only a few observations I have made.

I notice that the structure of the home has changed dramatically. Most homes have two individuals working to support the family, and single parents have to work, there are very few options for them. With these dramatic shifts in parental availability more and more is expected of schools.

Schools are encouraged, and in some cases under law have to teach students, not only reading, language, social studies, science, math, and physical education, they now have to teach about alternative lifestyles (homosexuality), health (safe sex) foreign language, drug education (don't use drugs) and social skills (anti bullying skills). Schools have group therapy sessions for students, so they can learn to keep their hands to themselves. (This blog article isn't long enough to discuss the issue of many students' insubordinate behavior.

It seems that all of these things are important to teach, but where does the extra time come from? I haven't noticed school days being any longer, neither have I noticed classroom sizes getting smaller. In fact the opposite, if these charter schools continue to fail then the already overburdened public schools will continue to "fail." Larger numbers of students in classes, more subjects to teach, and no extra time is a recipe for failure.

 Little by little, parental duties have shifted from parents to the school. What is the right thing to teach children about "alternative lifestyle"," health", and "social skills?" 

I admire teachers, and commend them for wanting to support the families, but aren't we dumping too much on the schools,a nd teachers especially? I would prefer for my child to have my values. I understand about "health" and it's importance, but what if I want to teach my child about true safe sex?

True education occurs in the home, around the dinner table, in short rides to the store, when the family is in crisis, and when they aren't in crisis. Instead of asking "why haven't the schools taught my little Johnny to read...", maybe we can read to little Johnny. If reading doesn't come easy to parents, then when the child learns to read, that is a good time for parents to start learning to read. arents can practice with their child.

Whatever happened to, if you want your child to be a reader, then you have to read to them and let them see you reading. Some schools are losing the academic battle for their students. Some students are lost before they ever enter school, and that's not the teacher's fault.

 I know that time is limited, but let's have the high and lofty goal of reading with our child daily. I can guarantee you, if you persist, your child will read much better and will improve in a very short time.

Let me know what your results are.

Happy Thanksgiving.

While most of us are having a wonderful time cooking, eating and basically enjoying life, there are many in the throes of calamities. I am specifically thinking about the family whose thirteen year old daughter stabbed their two year old daughter to death. She was watching her three younger children while the father and mother was away.

Apparently the two year old told a neighbor, who came to check on them, where the thirteen year old had a boy hiding in the house. The neighbor removed the boy and left.

When the neighbor left, the thirteen year old sent her other three younger siblings (all under the age of five) upstairs while she stabbed the two year old. The thirty year old then carried her two year old sister outside to die. Reportedly, she cleaned up her sister's blood and changed her own bloody clothes, while family and friends looked for the two year old. The thirteen year old joined the search. Her father found his two year old daughter behind their town home. 

What a mess!  

I think about this family, and I can't help but wonder, didn't anybody see this girl was disturbed? Was she a willful girl, refusing to do what was asked of her? Did she resent having to take care of her younger siblings? Was she bullying her younger siblings, and everyone overlooked her mean behavior towards her younger siblings?

One thing we can all agree on is the parents hearts are heavy.

I wonder if the parents saw the problems? Were they busy, but every now and then they thought, something is not right here? Did they have a rule to ignore problems and pretend that problems don't exist?

The father stated that his younger child is in heaven now, and he has to make it to heaven if he wants to see her again. He stated that he tells his children that they have to make it to heaven for themselves. He was attempting to instill christian values. Finally, he said about the thirteen year old, "she's going to need a lot of help. She's my child too." This is the greatest testament to his christian experience, "She's my child too." What love, consideration and interest in this erring child.

I'm sure right about now he's feeling defeated, discouraged and at a loss. I'm sure he and his wife would like to turn back the hands of time, and be "there" more often. Say some things that they felt needed to be said, but was left unsaid. Encourage all of their children tolove each other, and care more for each other.

Right about now they may feel that their goals were skewed, just a little. I'm sure he and his wife are just going through the motions of life, and the guilt of being a poor parent is pressing in on them at this very moment. This guilt will continue to press in on them for years to come. Their church family will have to cover them, support them love, and nurture them back to health. A heavy blow has landed on this family.

This could be anybody's family. If you think you see problems address the poblems, don't let problems overwhelm, and take over the family. Pray for your children, watch the friends they hang around, and be aware of what's brewing under the roof of your home. Be nurturing and kind where you can.

Remember the hurting parents, and their families, pray for them, and when you can, reach out to them.  
To read the story click here

Hey everybody,

I have spoken to many parents who have teens with significant behavioral problems. Many of these parents suffer from the same maladies, misguided mercy, giving grace, and forgetful forgiveness.

I believe in mercy, grace, and forgiveness. However, if these concepts are misapplied it is to the teens and our detriment.

Mercy is often misinterpreted as letting teens off from the punishment they deserve. Many parents have a difficult time understanding why they can't take teens off punishment before the time, or break the punishment for special occasions. While we may see it as mercy, the teen experiences it as inconsistent parenting. They will begin to rely on your mercy, and feel there is no need to change their misbehavior.

Grace is often misinterpreted as teens not being held accountable for what they do. Many Godly parents get tripped up on this. They think that if God don't give them the full punishment they deserve, then it is okay for their teens to not be given the punishments they deserve. Parents often interrupt natural consequences that teens deserve, so that the teen will not suffer. Parents often go through great lengths so that teens will avoid consequences.

 Forgiveness, is misinterpreted as the pain the teens inflicted on others and misbehavior should just be forgotten. Over and over again, teens are forgiven, and offenses are forgotten. This is perfect for teens. They can simply say they are sorry and continue on doing what they want until they are caught again.

This is a perfect prescription for unruly, disrespectful, and insubordinate teenagers, who are overly entitled, low performers, and surly.

We want to be kind to teens, however blind kindness that overlooks and deny problems, only lead to problems, that are more severe.

How do your children learn moral values? Who's teaching them moral values? Are they learning moral values from television, friends, church, school. Who's teaching them etiquette, sexual values, relationship skils, financial information.

Right and wrong is increasingly becoming blurred. What was once common sense, or seemed to be so, is no longer known. At one time television shows mirrored the values of society, now the majority of television is leading society, our youth especially, to accepting more and more amoral behavior.

We may love our friends dearly but their values may not be the same as ours. Our friends may lead our children astray. One parent reported that her teen age daughter went to the store with her friend and her friend's mother. The mother was shoplifting while they were in the store. We can't entrust this job to others.

Church woould be a very good place for our children to learn morals and values, however, a reinforcement of values on a weekly basis, is just that a weekly reinforcement. Church will not take the place of consistent daily reinforcement of moral values.

More and more work have been piled on teachers. They are responsibile for teaching reading, writing, spelling, mathematice, history, science, sex education, social skills, manage behavior, and a whole slew of other tasks. Teachers are struggling with the children in their classrooms. With all of the tasks that has to be completed there is no time left to focus on moral behavior. Do we want them to be responsibile for that task?

It takes intentional effort to get teach moral values to young people. It is an easier task when everyone has the same values. It is more important to live morally, than to just talk about being moral. It's not acceptable to tell your children to be honest, while you by action or words demonstrate dishonest behavior.

Children and teens will not just pick up good moral values. These values have to be taught. it's important to intentionally teach moral values to our children. Our efforts have to be consistent, and age appropriate.

Whose values do your children have? How did they learn these values.

Hey parents,

Have you been feeling left out, locked out, and pushed out of your teen's life? Do you have an eerie feeling that you have been displaced, but you don't know what have displaced you?

Often it is the teens who set up these barriers in the relationship, but parents can do a pretty good job of alienating teens. As I work with parents and teens, I have noteced that there are some commmunication patterns that shut down communication.

Making comparisons between your teen and other teens, is one way of erecting a barrier. I listend to a parent say to her unmotivated teen, "your older brother is doing well, and he is preparing himself for the future." Then the parent went on to say " but you are lazy and wan't try to do anything." I believe it's hard for a teen to be motivated under this deluge of negativity and pessimim.

A teen complained to me that her mother is constantly talking negatively about her to others. She stated that her mother talks loud enough to be heard around the house, and she doesn't want to talk to her mother about anything. The teen felt that whenever she is ready to discuss issues with her mother, her mother is talking negatively about her to others.

Still another teen stated that he liked a certian adult, because when she got mad about something, she got mad, said what she had to say and left it alone. He reported that other adults, would get mad and stay angry for days. He feels that it is easier to comply with someone who got angry and got over it, rather than comply with someone who got angry and stayed angry.

Still another teen observed that he feels interrogated by his parents. He stated that he can't make a move withour his parents asking twenty questions. He reports that he feels watched most of the time.

Other teens have cited their parents accuse them of things all the time, the parents are constantly angry and complaining, and if they tell the parents something in confidence the parents will use it against them when they get angry.

If you fee llocked out, overlookd, and ignored by your teen. I'm sure they are contributing to the breakdown on communication, but maybe something you are doing is contributing to the breakdown in communication, as well.

Listen to yourself, see if you are engaged in communication that shuts your teen down. Feel free to share communication patterns that is helpful in increaseing communication with your teen



















her.

Hello everybody, I'm back!!! After many technical difficulties and delays, I am back.

I would like to discuss something that makes every parent stomach ache with fear, sexual molestation.

Recently, I read about a man who was charged with several charges of both statutory and forced, rape and sodomy with a teen age girl. That means that some overgrown person, tricked a young girl into believing that he loved her and first, and eventually, he became aggressive, dominating and forced sex, and sodomy on the young lady. This is a parent's nightmare.

It's defficult enough for parents to steer teenagers in the right direction without overgrown folk luring them into sex, and then forcing sex on them. My heart goes out to the parents, and the young girl. This is happpening all across America, and it appears to be getting worse.

Fortunately, the culprit was caught and brought to the attention of the law. No doubt this wasn't the first young person he had hurt in this manner. It's amazing how many perpetrators are gettting away with having inappropriate, longterm relationships with teenagers (boys and girls).

Often, by the time parents become aware of the relationship between perpetrating adults, and their teens, it's too late. By then, the teen has been completely brainwashed, and the teen will adamently protect the adult. Molested teens may be withdrawn, insubordinate, and the relationsohip with their parents may be completely destroyed by some overgrown adult teaching your teen that they are grown. How does this happen?

Ir's simple. Teens are groomed by the perpetrator. The perpetrator will allow your teen to do what you won't allow them to do. This is the beginning of a secret relationship, that doesn't include you. The perpetrator may get close to you feeding you negative information about your teen breaking down your trust in your teen. Conflict and negativity will become pervasive in your relationship with your teen.

What we have to combat this is a close relatinship with our teens. So it is imperative that we persue opening the lines of communication. Pay attention to what they are saying about adults around them. Encourage age appropriate activities at school and at church. If you suspect that simething is amiss don't hesitate to limit access to your teen.

You may feel that you are overreacting. Others may tell you that you are overreacting. Remember that most victims of sexual molestation may not disclose until they are adults.

Talk to your teeens. Ask hard questions. If you believe the relationship is inappropriate, limit access to your teen. If you know that the relationship has crossed boundaries, get the law involved, don't hesitate. Keep in mind your ten probably wasn't the first, and if the perpetrator isn't stopped your teen won't be the last.

If you have other suggestions or comments, please feel free to share your thoughts.

Enjoy your children. Enjoy your life.

Hello Everybody, I didn't realize how long it has been since I last blogged. Sorry about that.

I have been thinking about how fast time passes. Soon you will not hear the happy pitter patter of little feet. The sound will be more like stomps from tantrums, and then, hard steps from a men sized twelve shoe, on a teenager. You will wonder, where did the time fly, and why didn't I notice where the time has gone. Then before you realize it your children will be long gone.

Remember, it's your life too. Don't make their life your life. Make sure you have something of your own in your life. I Believe that children's talents are important, and it is the parent's responsibility to encourage the develpment of their talents. However when their success is more important to you than it is to them, you will have a problem.

When their success is more important to you than it is to them, you will have problems. Your teen will rebel. They won't practice. They will use their personal academic, musical, athletic, abilities as a bargaining chip. You will hear things like, I will practice, (whatever), if you give me this or that. Or thay may threaten to not participate. in the activity. You will find yourself in more power struggles, angry discussions, and fights over their success than you can beleive.

Back off. When their success is more importantt to you than it is to them, it will increase your workload, and negatively effect your relationship with them.

Relax, and step back. Get busy and find something interesting for yourself. They will at first, try to reengage you with negative behavior. They may come around and use their tallents, however they may not. The question is, do you want to drag them (through life) to the gates of success, and they resist every step of the way. The last step that only they can make you stand and watch as they turn and walk away? It seems to me, that if young people are successful, they believe thay did it all by themselves, and if they fail you will get the blame.

You have one life. You can fill it with angry words over their talents, or you can fill it with joy and celebration. You can mourn that your child isn't an olympic gold medalist, or you can enjoy what they acheive.

It's your life too. You only get one life. ENJOY it.

Hello everybody,

Phew, we have gotten one group of young people graduated from high school, and another group is starting high school. In the next four years anything can happen. Some teens will complete high school with no problems at all, and some teens will struggle with the transition from child to young adult. It feels like a toss of a coin on how well our teens do, and in a lot of ways it is.

From day to day our teens are rubbing shoulders with all types of teens, and adults in this race. Many teens will become lost on the path, and may not finish the race. They may decide to follow the drums they hear within their heads, rather than the sobering voices and counsel of loving parents and adults around them. Some teens will follow the path closely until the last leg of the race, and make a u-turn, or change directions altogether, and still there will be others who complete the course, only to listen to that voice a few years down the road.

We are in a very vulnerable position. We can only watch the process of maturity. We offer guidance, and widom. We give consequences to discourage poor decisions, but we have no guarantee that the steps we take will ensure success. Although it feels like all odds go against our success in helping our teens through this tumuultous age in their lives, we can't give up.

There are thousands of decisons that our teens will make. Hopefully, our teens will make those decisions with our input. Hopefully, we won't have to revert to consequences too often to get the teen to do what is in their best interest to do. We can only provide guidance the best way that we know how.

This time will pass by fast. So enjoy this time period with your teen, and remember prayer, and laughter, can make a bumpy ride much smoother.

Enjoy the school year.

Hey Everybody...

It saddens me as I think about the lost power of parents. Parents have the name and responsibility of being in power over children. However, in this war to protect and train our children we carry guns (the symbol of power) but we shoot blanks. What leverage do we really have in training our children? Parents have been disarmed by competing factors such as; laws, television, and unfortunately psychology.

Laws were created to protect children. However, the laws misused, have caused great problems in families. Sometimes children have been removed from homes and placed in the homes of strangers while lengrhy investigations were being completed. A shroud of suspicion often follows individuals who had been cleared of any wrongdoing, and many parents have had careers ruined as a result of spiteful individuals hotlining them. I know that children have to be kept safe, and yes, there are some parents who are cruel. but parents are almost afrsid to discipline in any way because of the laws.

For years, television have insidiously set the tone for family living in America. Somewhere along the way we were declawed, while our children were given uzzies. In the late eighties, children on television were making a mockery of their parents. They talked back, implied that the parents were dumb, and often openly defied thir parents (and got away with it). On television children ten, eleven, and twelve years old parents are taking them on dates. No not play dates, dates! This trend was instigated and started by television, parents were mortified, but they drove their tweens to the mall for their "date" anyway.

Last, psychology, I am sorry to report, that I spend a lot of my time empowering parents, to fight the good fight. To parent their children. Teaching parents that they have every right to say no, and saying no will not cause children to become serial killers. Encouraging parents to have the courage to exercise judgement and make decisions for their child, and if the child doesn't like the decision he/she will not suffer from PTSD (post traumatic stress disorder). Parents have to be encouraged to set boundaries and stick to it, even if they have to raise their voice to keep the boundaries straight. Parents have to pretend that they aren't angry, have no feelings except good ones, and in general be everything to sometimes little tyrants.

We are so "sensitive" to the emotional needs of our children, that we are put in the role of psychologists. We are afraid to tell the truth to our children lest we hurt their feelings. We are afarid to let a firm word come from our mouths because it may cause our children to fall apart. Meanwhile, children are becoming more insubordinate, lawless, and narcissistic daily.

Parents are on the battleground, but we have been disarmed and marching in place. Laws, television, nor psychology can take the place of parents but everyday a little bit of parental power is lost on the battlefiedd.

What about you, do you feel disarmed?

When our children are in the middle of disaster, whether it is failed grade, drug usage, friendship problems and even criminal activity, it is easy to jum[ in and save our teens from the consequences of their errant ways. It is tempting to take control of the situation, and therefore take control of the outcome. Neither of these will be helpful to our teens.


It is hard to watch the difficult times our teens go through. We kick into protective mode. it's instinctive almost. We want to save them from the unfair failing grades, the mistaken ACT or SAT score. We want to curse the judge who gave our angelic delinquent three hundred hours in community service. But will it help?


There is a movement in the United States, the "no punishment, soft consequence movement." This movement encourages parents to step in, and save the children from any resemblance of a consequence. This movement will not step in and help your child when they drop out of school, it will not step in and help with the drug addiction that your child may pick up along the way. The movement will not visit your child in prison, or do any community service for your teen.


There is absolutely nothing wrong with you supporting the teacher when the teacher gives the teen the deserved grade. Let the teen come up with what he will do to increase his school grades. Let him do it. Let him face those ACT test score. Again, this is his problem, let the teen solve this problem. In fact encourage the teen to pay for the second test. I can't say it enough. It's important to allow teens to suffer natural consequences, and yes, even give consequences, and punishments. This mamby pamby parenting style is causing the ruin of many children.


Do you think this whimpy parenting style contributes to our closing down, and tearing down schools, while we build and pump great finances into prison systems? Maybe just maybe,if we discipline and train our children when they are young, we may not need so many prison ceels when they get older.


What do you think? Feel free to share your comment.

Indeed parenting is a twenty four hour, can't get a break, job. Our teens are watching Our every move. Not only that, they are passing judgmemnt on everythng that we do. What we say, as far as possible, should match what we do.
We are not perfect, we will not be perfect, but we so often set ourselves up as if we are perfect. In our teen's eyes this makes us big hypocrites.

We want to set a good example, but we are merely sinful mortals. How can we, who are imperfect, present perfection to our children? We can't. Since we can't, we may as well quit trying to present perfection, and present the best us possible.

If we set ourselves up as prefect, we set ourselves up for failurre. Here are a few ways that we can be balanced adults. That is, we make mistakes, but our children remain committed to becoming the best they can become.

1. Admit up front that we are not perfect. The power of the truth is astonishing. If we admit that we are struggling with some bad habit, it will give our teens the courage to look at themselves realistically.

2. Take visible steps to do better. This shows growth. Teens ought to know that it's not okay to admit to faults, and wallow in them freely.

3. Be realistic with our expectations. If our expectations for ourselves is unrealistic, more than likely the expectations we have for our teens will be unrealistic.

4. Forgive ourselves. We must learn to forgive ourselves. We must learn to forgive our teens.

5.Laugh, laugh, laugh. Everything isn't serious. We get one life, we must enjooy this life. It seems to me, that life is a string of mistakes, with every now and then we get it right. How we handle our mistakes, teaches our teens how to handle them. A little humor goes a long way.

These are only a few ways we can present a balanced approach to imperfection. We can't ignore our imperfections and hope our teens don't see them. They see the imperfections. They can even see ones we don't know about. Let's enjoy our teens. Let's enjoy our life.

Hey everybody, I was talking to a parent the other day, and the parent reported that there is no consequence they can give the child that makes a difference in the child's behavior. This isn't the first parent that stated this. In fact, I find that many parents report the same thing. There are many who state that the child isn't responsive to consequences.

One time, I observed a parent. I arrived at about six  pm, after being there for a half an hour, the parent reminded the child that the child was on consequence and should be in their room. The child went to their room for a minute, and returned again. This time they had to use the bathroom,  they came out of the bathroom, asked a question about the show that was on, and cautiously, sat down, and looked at television. The parent didn't seem to notice. The child watched television for another forty five minutes. When the paent realized that the child was sitting there watching television. The parent again informed him that he was supposed to be in his room.

The child replied, "oh, I was going to the bathroom." He went to the bathroom, came out, the parent instructed the child to take care of the pets. The child went to take care of the pets, resurfaced again at around nine pm. When the parent caught the child in a room watching TV. At which point much hollering and fussing was done. The child reported, "Oh, I was on my way to my room." The child loooked as if he was going towards his room, but I think he had to use the bathroom.

Of course, consequences are ineffective. The children aen't really getting any consequences. It seems like a small thing, but when a consequence is issued it''s imperative to follow through. If children are alllowed to dismiss punishments, they will become more aggressive in avoiding punishments. Their misbehavior will become more brazen and bold and they will become more insubordinate.

Many parents are inconsisent because they feel that punishments make them stand guard, and they feel like a warden. Parents feel that they don't want to be too hard, and that the child deserves, treats, priveleges, or whatever. They feel guilty and aggravated. Many parents don't understand that disciplining is simply another way of showing children that they are loved.

It's hard, but remember when you issue a punishment, make it one that you can live with.

Hello everybody,

Recently I visited a home where the child is described as "challenging." He usually runs the roost. Whenever I visit he has multiple tantrums, he touches everything, and he hits others. In general, the child is exceptionally annoying. Clearly the child has Attention Deficit Hyperactivity Disorder.

On this particular day, for some reason, the child was especially cooperative. I asked the parent (Mrs. Restrictive) what changed. She responded that nothing was done in particular. She went on to state how well the child has been doing. She told about how the child has followed instructions, stayed focused, and how the child is doing what he was asked. According to Mrs. Restrictive the child has changed with no intervention.

I observed that Mrs. Restrictive and the father (Mr. Lenient)  were very cordial with each other. They were talking, friendly, and cooperating with each other. Previously, Mr. Lenient, and Mrs. Restrictive were split on how to parent this child. They bickered consistently and chronically about what to do, each were blaming the other's parenting style for the child's misbehavior.

The child would ask for something and when Mrs. Restrictive said no, the child would look at Mr. Lenient, and the arguing would begin. The child usually got his way. If a simple look did not bring on the discord, then a tantrum would surely do the trick. Mr. Lenient would put on his super cape and save the child from discipline and restriction of any sort.

Later during the visit, I inquired about how the bickering was going. Mrs. Restrictive reported that she, and Mr. Lenient are no longer arguing, because she has decided to just let Mr. Lenient work with the child. There has been a significant decrease in arguing.

The point is, sometimes the answer to misbehavior could be as simple as how parents are interacting with each other. A simple decision between two adults, caused a big change in a child's behavior, and possibly the child's future. The child realizes that there will be no more parenting squabbles, about him at least, and that he has to follow the rules set by at least one parent.

Giving young people the ability to cause problems between adults, is too much power for a child, or teen. The youth will spiral out of control, taking the family peace and tranquility with them. If your teen/child is spiraling out of control, reconsider and see if there is an ongoing conflict between parents. This isn't limited to husband and wife relationships, this pattern of one parent overruling another parent especially occurs with single parents who live with their parents.

Pay attention, it may sound far fetched, but yes, our behavior may be at the root of our young people's misbehavior. 

What are you doing  to eliminate/contribute parenting conflict in your home? Write back and let us know.