Sunday, June 3, 2012
Meet Mr. Lenient/Mrs. Restrictive
Hello everybody,
Recently I visited a home where the child is described as "challenging." He usually runs the roost. Whenever I visit he has multiple tantrums, he touches everything, and he hits others. In general, the child is exceptionally annoying. Clearly the child has Attention Deficit Hyperactivity Disorder.
On this particular day, for some reason, the child was especially cooperative. I asked the parent (Mrs. Restrictive) what changed. She responded that nothing was done in particular. She went on to state how well the child has been doing. She told about how the child has followed instructions, stayed focused, and how the child is doing what he was asked. According to Mrs. Restrictive the child has changed with no intervention.
I observed that Mrs. Restrictive and the father (Mr. Lenient) were very cordial with each other. They were talking, friendly, and cooperating with each other. Previously, Mr. Lenient, and Mrs. Restrictive were split on how to parent this child. They bickered consistently and chronically about what to do, each were blaming the other's parenting style for the child's misbehavior.
The child would ask for something and when Mrs. Restrictive said no, the child would look at Mr. Lenient, and the arguing would begin. The child usually got his way. If a simple look did not bring on the discord, then a tantrum would surely do the trick. Mr. Lenient would put on his super cape and save the child from discipline and restriction of any sort.
Later during the visit, I inquired about how the bickering was going. Mrs. Restrictive reported that she, and Mr. Lenient are no longer arguing, because she has decided to just let Mr. Lenient work with the child. There has been a significant decrease in arguing.
The point is, sometimes the answer to misbehavior could be as simple as how parents are interacting with each other. A simple decision between two adults, caused a big change in a child's behavior, and possibly the child's future. The child realizes that there will be no more parenting squabbles, about him at least, and that he has to follow the rules set by at least one parent.
Giving young people the ability to cause problems between adults, is too much power for a child, or teen. The youth will spiral out of control, taking the family peace and tranquility with them. If your teen/child is spiraling out of control, reconsider and see if there is an ongoing conflict between parents. This isn't limited to husband and wife relationships, this pattern of one parent overruling another parent especially occurs with single parents who live with their parents.
Pay attention, it may sound far fetched, but yes, our behavior may be at the root of our young people's misbehavior.
What are you doing to eliminate/contribute parenting conflict in your home? Write back and let us know.
Recently I visited a home where the child is described as "challenging." He usually runs the roost. Whenever I visit he has multiple tantrums, he touches everything, and he hits others. In general, the child is exceptionally annoying. Clearly the child has Attention Deficit Hyperactivity Disorder.
On this particular day, for some reason, the child was especially cooperative. I asked the parent (Mrs. Restrictive) what changed. She responded that nothing was done in particular. She went on to state how well the child has been doing. She told about how the child has followed instructions, stayed focused, and how the child is doing what he was asked. According to Mrs. Restrictive the child has changed with no intervention.
I observed that Mrs. Restrictive and the father (Mr. Lenient) were very cordial with each other. They were talking, friendly, and cooperating with each other. Previously, Mr. Lenient, and Mrs. Restrictive were split on how to parent this child. They bickered consistently and chronically about what to do, each were blaming the other's parenting style for the child's misbehavior.
The child would ask for something and when Mrs. Restrictive said no, the child would look at Mr. Lenient, and the arguing would begin. The child usually got his way. If a simple look did not bring on the discord, then a tantrum would surely do the trick. Mr. Lenient would put on his super cape and save the child from discipline and restriction of any sort.
Later during the visit, I inquired about how the bickering was going. Mrs. Restrictive reported that she, and Mr. Lenient are no longer arguing, because she has decided to just let Mr. Lenient work with the child. There has been a significant decrease in arguing.
The point is, sometimes the answer to misbehavior could be as simple as how parents are interacting with each other. A simple decision between two adults, caused a big change in a child's behavior, and possibly the child's future. The child realizes that there will be no more parenting squabbles, about him at least, and that he has to follow the rules set by at least one parent.
Giving young people the ability to cause problems between adults, is too much power for a child, or teen. The youth will spiral out of control, taking the family peace and tranquility with them. If your teen/child is spiraling out of control, reconsider and see if there is an ongoing conflict between parents. This isn't limited to husband and wife relationships, this pattern of one parent overruling another parent especially occurs with single parents who live with their parents.
Pay attention, it may sound far fetched, but yes, our behavior may be at the root of our young people's misbehavior.
What are you doing to eliminate/contribute parenting conflict in your home? Write back and let us know.
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