Hey Everybody, a lot is happening. It seems there is one calamity after another, before we can digest and fully understand one tumultuous incident another one is taking place.

These incidents could leave parents and teenagers alike paralyzed with fear, and powerlessness. With the level of violence that is targeted towards schools, what was a simple daily occurrence, children attending school, is now a low level anxiety producing experience.

No parent wants to hear that their child, friend, cousin, niece, or nephew, was a part of a shooting, or any other violent act.  These incidents leave us feeling powerless and clueless. All of the professionals involved are seeking to find answers to preventing these violent incidents. The prevailing question is, "didn't someone see it coming?"

We the parents may be the first line of defense. We can teach our children the warning signs that their friends are having serious problems. Teach them to report to an adult when their friends are talking about dying, joking about dying, or refusing to give up a grudge. Teach them that talk about hurting others is an indication that something is wrong.

The violence is terrible, but it's bothersome when others come forward stating that the perpetrator told them they were going to kill someone, but they never reported the perpetrator to anybody. We may look at it as teaching our teens to be "snitches" but we will appreciate it if a terrible incident is prevented.

Finally parents, pay attention to your teens, it's not good to avoid obvious problems. If you see a mood shift, a change in your tern's friends, your teenager is isolating themselves, your teenager is preoccupied with weapons, your teen is excessively jealous. If you feel uneasiness with your teen's friend, pay attention and be proactive, in preventing problems, big problems and small problems. If it's your teen seek professional help. If it's someone else teen talk to their parents, or alert the police.

It could be nothing, but it could be everything. Protect yourself and protect those you love, remember to act proactively.

Hey everybody,

We have no idea how many times disgruntled students threaten to shoot up schools, and kill others and then kill themselves. Schools are doing  a much better job at hearing these threats and intervening quickly, but there are many threats that don't come to the attention of school administrators. Yet after someone dies there is always a witness that comes forward, and relate that the person had said that they were going to hurt themselves.

I always wonder, why didn't the witness tell someone earlier?

I know I don't have to say this, but please talk to your children and tell them to let somebody know if they have friends that are threatening to hurt, maim, or kill themselves or somebody else. Listen, listen, listen to your teens.

If your teen broods over what they see as maltreatment, from the world. You may think that jumping in and supporting them, when they are wrong, will help, but actually it only makes the situation worse. The more they talk about the situation, often they become more irrational about the situation. They may conclude that their maltreatment is so severe that it warrants hurting others. They may hurt themselves to avoid punishment.

 I am amazed at how jealous young people can be. Jealousy is at the root of a lot of bullying. The bully may decide to hurt the person he is bullying, but just as often the victim of bullying may strike back. Due to feelings of  isolation, sadness, and fear bullied children may not see anyway out accept to destroy themselves and/or anyone whom they perceive is involved.

If a teen loses their girlfriend/boyfriend/best friend or if teens are feeling left out and excluded at school, and at home, this could lead to an all or nothing attitude towards solving their problem. The teen may feel the only way out of this is if they kill themselves and/or others.

There's many things that can be done to help:

1. If there has been a threat then get help for your family. I know we are aware of the teen's need for help, but get help for yourself. Find out if there is something you can do to help your teen.

2. Encourage socialization. Get your teen out and about with you and the extended family. Encourage healthy relationships with extended family members.

3. Speak hopefully. This is a time to speak hopefully in the presence of your teenager. Minimize problems, don't maximize problems. Pray with and for your teen.

4. Slow down. Keep a more regulated schedule.

5. Be honest and point out good things happening around them, to them, and for them. It's easy to focus on problems. Encourage teens to find something good in their lives.

This is a different age. Stress is affecting everyone, even small children. Encourage an environment of open communication and friendliness n your home. Encourage your children to see you as a person they can trust. Teach them to be open, and most importantly, if you see a problem, please encourage them to talk to you.

I was reading a newspaper article the other day, about another charter school is closing. These schools were to be an answer to what is considered a "failing" public school system. I don't know how charter schools were supposed to be an improvement over public schools in teaching children, but they were.

I assume teachers in charter schools were educated alongside with teachers in public schools setting. So the teachers' training wasn't that different. Unless colleges are graduating teachers who are already burnt out on the first day of their first job, new teachers' desire to teach and change the world one child at a time hasn't changed. Even teachers who has been around for a time, still speak with a glow about being able to teach young people.

 The students haven't changed. Children are children as far as I can tell. I will agree that technology is rivaling schools in keeping children's attention, but in every age there was something that was pulling a child's attention away from learning.

So what has changed?

These are only a few observations I have made.

I notice that the structure of the home has changed dramatically. Most homes have two individuals working to support the family, and single parents have to work, there are very few options for them. With these dramatic shifts in parental availability more and more is expected of schools.

Schools are encouraged, and in some cases under law have to teach students, not only reading, language, social studies, science, math, and physical education, they now have to teach about alternative lifestyles (homosexuality), health (safe sex) foreign language, drug education (don't use drugs) and social skills (anti bullying skills). Schools have group therapy sessions for students, so they can learn to keep their hands to themselves. (This blog article isn't long enough to discuss the issue of many students' insubordinate behavior.

It seems that all of these things are important to teach, but where does the extra time come from? I haven't noticed school days being any longer, neither have I noticed classroom sizes getting smaller. In fact the opposite, if these charter schools continue to fail then the already overburdened public schools will continue to "fail." Larger numbers of students in classes, more subjects to teach, and no extra time is a recipe for failure.

 Little by little, parental duties have shifted from parents to the school. What is the right thing to teach children about "alternative lifestyle"," health", and "social skills?" 

I admire teachers, and commend them for wanting to support the families, but aren't we dumping too much on the schools,a nd teachers especially? I would prefer for my child to have my values. I understand about "health" and it's importance, but what if I want to teach my child about true safe sex?

True education occurs in the home, around the dinner table, in short rides to the store, when the family is in crisis, and when they aren't in crisis. Instead of asking "why haven't the schools taught my little Johnny to read...", maybe we can read to little Johnny. If reading doesn't come easy to parents, then when the child learns to read, that is a good time for parents to start learning to read. arents can practice with their child.

Whatever happened to, if you want your child to be a reader, then you have to read to them and let them see you reading. Some schools are losing the academic battle for their students. Some students are lost before they ever enter school, and that's not the teacher's fault.

 I know that time is limited, but let's have the high and lofty goal of reading with our child daily. I can guarantee you, if you persist, your child will read much better and will improve in a very short time.

Let me know what your results are.

Happy Thanksgiving.

While most of us are having a wonderful time cooking, eating and basically enjoying life, there are many in the throes of calamities. I am specifically thinking about the family whose thirteen year old daughter stabbed their two year old daughter to death. She was watching her three younger children while the father and mother was away.

Apparently the two year old told a neighbor, who came to check on them, where the thirteen year old had a boy hiding in the house. The neighbor removed the boy and left.

When the neighbor left, the thirteen year old sent her other three younger siblings (all under the age of five) upstairs while she stabbed the two year old. The thirty year old then carried her two year old sister outside to die. Reportedly, she cleaned up her sister's blood and changed her own bloody clothes, while family and friends looked for the two year old. The thirteen year old joined the search. Her father found his two year old daughter behind their town home. 

What a mess!  

I think about this family, and I can't help but wonder, didn't anybody see this girl was disturbed? Was she a willful girl, refusing to do what was asked of her? Did she resent having to take care of her younger siblings? Was she bullying her younger siblings, and everyone overlooked her mean behavior towards her younger siblings?

One thing we can all agree on is the parents hearts are heavy.

I wonder if the parents saw the problems? Were they busy, but every now and then they thought, something is not right here? Did they have a rule to ignore problems and pretend that problems don't exist?

The father stated that his younger child is in heaven now, and he has to make it to heaven if he wants to see her again. He stated that he tells his children that they have to make it to heaven for themselves. He was attempting to instill christian values. Finally, he said about the thirteen year old, "she's going to need a lot of help. She's my child too." This is the greatest testament to his christian experience, "She's my child too." What love, consideration and interest in this erring child.

I'm sure right about now he's feeling defeated, discouraged and at a loss. I'm sure he and his wife would like to turn back the hands of time, and be "there" more often. Say some things that they felt needed to be said, but was left unsaid. Encourage all of their children tolove each other, and care more for each other.

Right about now they may feel that their goals were skewed, just a little. I'm sure he and his wife are just going through the motions of life, and the guilt of being a poor parent is pressing in on them at this very moment. This guilt will continue to press in on them for years to come. Their church family will have to cover them, support them love, and nurture them back to health. A heavy blow has landed on this family.

This could be anybody's family. If you think you see problems address the poblems, don't let problems overwhelm, and take over the family. Pray for your children, watch the friends they hang around, and be aware of what's brewing under the roof of your home. Be nurturing and kind where you can.

Remember the hurting parents, and their families, pray for them, and when you can, reach out to them.  
To read the story click here

Hey everybody,

I have spoken to many parents who have teens with significant behavioral problems. Many of these parents suffer from the same maladies, misguided mercy, giving grace, and forgetful forgiveness.

I believe in mercy, grace, and forgiveness. However, if these concepts are misapplied it is to the teens and our detriment.

Mercy is often misinterpreted as letting teens off from the punishment they deserve. Many parents have a difficult time understanding why they can't take teens off punishment before the time, or break the punishment for special occasions. While we may see it as mercy, the teen experiences it as inconsistent parenting. They will begin to rely on your mercy, and feel there is no need to change their misbehavior.

Grace is often misinterpreted as teens not being held accountable for what they do. Many Godly parents get tripped up on this. They think that if God don't give them the full punishment they deserve, then it is okay for their teens to not be given the punishments they deserve. Parents often interrupt natural consequences that teens deserve, so that the teen will not suffer. Parents often go through great lengths so that teens will avoid consequences.

 Forgiveness, is misinterpreted as the pain the teens inflicted on others and misbehavior should just be forgotten. Over and over again, teens are forgiven, and offenses are forgotten. This is perfect for teens. They can simply say they are sorry and continue on doing what they want until they are caught again.

This is a perfect prescription for unruly, disrespectful, and insubordinate teenagers, who are overly entitled, low performers, and surly.

We want to be kind to teens, however blind kindness that overlooks and deny problems, only lead to problems, that are more severe.

How do your children learn moral values? Who's teaching them moral values? Are they learning moral values from television, friends, church, school. Who's teaching them etiquette, sexual values, relationship skils, financial information.

Right and wrong is increasingly becoming blurred. What was once common sense, or seemed to be so, is no longer known. At one time television shows mirrored the values of society, now the majority of television is leading society, our youth especially, to accepting more and more amoral behavior.

We may love our friends dearly but their values may not be the same as ours. Our friends may lead our children astray. One parent reported that her teen age daughter went to the store with her friend and her friend's mother. The mother was shoplifting while they were in the store. We can't entrust this job to others.

Church woould be a very good place for our children to learn morals and values, however, a reinforcement of values on a weekly basis, is just that a weekly reinforcement. Church will not take the place of consistent daily reinforcement of moral values.

More and more work have been piled on teachers. They are responsibile for teaching reading, writing, spelling, mathematice, history, science, sex education, social skills, manage behavior, and a whole slew of other tasks. Teachers are struggling with the children in their classrooms. With all of the tasks that has to be completed there is no time left to focus on moral behavior. Do we want them to be responsibile for that task?

It takes intentional effort to get teach moral values to young people. It is an easier task when everyone has the same values. It is more important to live morally, than to just talk about being moral. It's not acceptable to tell your children to be honest, while you by action or words demonstrate dishonest behavior.

Children and teens will not just pick up good moral values. These values have to be taught. it's important to intentionally teach moral values to our children. Our efforts have to be consistent, and age appropriate.

Whose values do your children have? How did they learn these values.

Hey parents,

Have you been feeling left out, locked out, and pushed out of your teen's life? Do you have an eerie feeling that you have been displaced, but you don't know what have displaced you?

Often it is the teens who set up these barriers in the relationship, but parents can do a pretty good job of alienating teens. As I work with parents and teens, I have noteced that there are some commmunication patterns that shut down communication.

Making comparisons between your teen and other teens, is one way of erecting a barrier. I listend to a parent say to her unmotivated teen, "your older brother is doing well, and he is preparing himself for the future." Then the parent went on to say " but you are lazy and wan't try to do anything." I believe it's hard for a teen to be motivated under this deluge of negativity and pessimim.

A teen complained to me that her mother is constantly talking negatively about her to others. She stated that her mother talks loud enough to be heard around the house, and she doesn't want to talk to her mother about anything. The teen felt that whenever she is ready to discuss issues with her mother, her mother is talking negatively about her to others.

Still another teen stated that he liked a certian adult, because when she got mad about something, she got mad, said what she had to say and left it alone. He reported that other adults, would get mad and stay angry for days. He feels that it is easier to comply with someone who got angry and got over it, rather than comply with someone who got angry and stayed angry.

Still another teen observed that he feels interrogated by his parents. He stated that he can't make a move withour his parents asking twenty questions. He reports that he feels watched most of the time.

Other teens have cited their parents accuse them of things all the time, the parents are constantly angry and complaining, and if they tell the parents something in confidence the parents will use it against them when they get angry.

If you fee llocked out, overlookd, and ignored by your teen. I'm sure they are contributing to the breakdown on communication, but maybe something you are doing is contributing to the breakdown in communication, as well.

Listen to yourself, see if you are engaged in communication that shuts your teen down. Feel free to share communication patterns that is helpful in increaseing communication with your teen



















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