Wednesday, October 31, 2012
Misguided Mercy
Hey everybody,
I have spoken to many parents who have teens with significant behavioral problems. Many of these parents suffer from the same maladies, misguided mercy, giving grace, and forgetful forgiveness.
I believe in mercy, grace, and forgiveness. However, if these concepts are misapplied it is to the teens and our detriment.
Mercy is often misinterpreted as letting teens off from the punishment they deserve. Many parents have a difficult time understanding why they can't take teens off punishment before the time, or break the punishment for special occasions. While we may see it as mercy, the teen experiences it as inconsistent parenting. They will begin to rely on your mercy, and feel there is no need to change their misbehavior.
Grace is often misinterpreted as teens not being held accountable for what they do. Many Godly parents get tripped up on this. They think that if God don't give them the full punishment they deserve, then it is okay for their teens to not be given the punishments they deserve. Parents often interrupt natural consequences that teens deserve, so that the teen will not suffer. Parents often go through great lengths so that teens will avoid consequences.
Forgiveness, is misinterpreted as the pain the teens inflicted on others and misbehavior should just be forgotten. Over and over again, teens are forgiven, and offenses are forgotten. This is perfect for teens. They can simply say they are sorry and continue on doing what they want until they are caught again.
This is a perfect prescription for unruly, disrespectful, and insubordinate teenagers, who are overly entitled, low performers, and surly.
We want to be kind to teens, however blind kindness that overlooks and deny problems, only lead to problems, that are more severe.
I have spoken to many parents who have teens with significant behavioral problems. Many of these parents suffer from the same maladies, misguided mercy, giving grace, and forgetful forgiveness.
I believe in mercy, grace, and forgiveness. However, if these concepts are misapplied it is to the teens and our detriment.
Mercy is often misinterpreted as letting teens off from the punishment they deserve. Many parents have a difficult time understanding why they can't take teens off punishment before the time, or break the punishment for special occasions. While we may see it as mercy, the teen experiences it as inconsistent parenting. They will begin to rely on your mercy, and feel there is no need to change their misbehavior.
Grace is often misinterpreted as teens not being held accountable for what they do. Many Godly parents get tripped up on this. They think that if God don't give them the full punishment they deserve, then it is okay for their teens to not be given the punishments they deserve. Parents often interrupt natural consequences that teens deserve, so that the teen will not suffer. Parents often go through great lengths so that teens will avoid consequences.
Forgiveness, is misinterpreted as the pain the teens inflicted on others and misbehavior should just be forgotten. Over and over again, teens are forgiven, and offenses are forgotten. This is perfect for teens. They can simply say they are sorry and continue on doing what they want until they are caught again.
This is a perfect prescription for unruly, disrespectful, and insubordinate teenagers, who are overly entitled, low performers, and surly.
We want to be kind to teens, however blind kindness that overlooks and deny problems, only lead to problems, that are more severe.
Monday, October 15, 2012
Who's Teaching Values to Our Children?
How do your children learn moral values? Who's teaching them moral values? Are they learning moral values from television, friends, church, school. Who's teaching them etiquette, sexual values, relationship skils, financial information.
Right and wrong is increasingly becoming blurred. What was once common sense, or seemed to be so, is no longer known. At one time television shows mirrored the values of society, now the majority of television is leading society, our youth especially, to accepting more and more amoral behavior.
We may love our friends dearly but their values may not be the same as ours. Our friends may lead our children astray. One parent reported that her teen age daughter went to the store with her friend and her friend's mother. The mother was shoplifting while they were in the store. We can't entrust this job to others.
Church woould be a very good place for our children to learn morals and values, however, a reinforcement of values on a weekly basis, is just that a weekly reinforcement. Church will not take the place of consistent daily reinforcement of moral values.
More and more work have been piled on teachers. They are responsibile for teaching reading, writing, spelling, mathematice, history, science, sex education, social skills, manage behavior, and a whole slew of other tasks. Teachers are struggling with the children in their classrooms. With all of the tasks that has to be completed there is no time left to focus on moral behavior. Do we want them to be responsibile for that task?
It takes intentional effort to get teach moral values to young people. It is an easier task when everyone has the same values. It is more important to live morally, than to just talk about being moral. It's not acceptable to tell your children to be honest, while you by action or words demonstrate dishonest behavior.
Children and teens will not just pick up good moral values. These values have to be taught. it's important to intentionally teach moral values to our children. Our efforts have to be consistent, and age appropriate.
Whose values do your children have? How did they learn these values.
Right and wrong is increasingly becoming blurred. What was once common sense, or seemed to be so, is no longer known. At one time television shows mirrored the values of society, now the majority of television is leading society, our youth especially, to accepting more and more amoral behavior.
We may love our friends dearly but their values may not be the same as ours. Our friends may lead our children astray. One parent reported that her teen age daughter went to the store with her friend and her friend's mother. The mother was shoplifting while they were in the store. We can't entrust this job to others.
Church woould be a very good place for our children to learn morals and values, however, a reinforcement of values on a weekly basis, is just that a weekly reinforcement. Church will not take the place of consistent daily reinforcement of moral values.
More and more work have been piled on teachers. They are responsibile for teaching reading, writing, spelling, mathematice, history, science, sex education, social skills, manage behavior, and a whole slew of other tasks. Teachers are struggling with the children in their classrooms. With all of the tasks that has to be completed there is no time left to focus on moral behavior. Do we want them to be responsibile for that task?
It takes intentional effort to get teach moral values to young people. It is an easier task when everyone has the same values. It is more important to live morally, than to just talk about being moral. It's not acceptable to tell your children to be honest, while you by action or words demonstrate dishonest behavior.
Children and teens will not just pick up good moral values. These values have to be taught. it's important to intentionally teach moral values to our children. Our efforts have to be consistent, and age appropriate.
Whose values do your children have? How did they learn these values.
Saturday, October 6, 2012
Why Don't Teens Communicate
Hey parents,
Have you been feeling left out, locked out, and pushed out of your teen's life? Do you have an eerie feeling that you have been displaced, but you don't know what have displaced you?
Often it is the teens who set up these barriers in the relationship, but parents can do a pretty good job of alienating teens. As I work with parents and teens, I have noteced that there are some commmunication patterns that shut down communication.
Making comparisons between your teen and other teens, is one way of erecting a barrier. I listend to a parent say to her unmotivated teen, "your older brother is doing well, and he is preparing himself for the future." Then the parent went on to say " but you are lazy and wan't try to do anything." I believe it's hard for a teen to be motivated under this deluge of negativity and pessimim.
A teen complained to me that her mother is constantly talking negatively about her to others. She stated that her mother talks loud enough to be heard around the house, and she doesn't want to talk to her mother about anything. The teen felt that whenever she is ready to discuss issues with her mother, her mother is talking negatively about her to others.
Still another teen stated that he liked a certian adult, because when she got mad about something, she got mad, said what she had to say and left it alone. He reported that other adults, would get mad and stay angry for days. He feels that it is easier to comply with someone who got angry and got over it, rather than comply with someone who got angry and stayed angry.
Still another teen observed that he feels interrogated by his parents. He stated that he can't make a move withour his parents asking twenty questions. He reports that he feels watched most of the time.
Other teens have cited their parents accuse them of things all the time, the parents are constantly angry and complaining, and if they tell the parents something in confidence the parents will use it against them when they get angry.
If you fee llocked out, overlookd, and ignored by your teen. I'm sure they are contributing to the breakdown on communication, but maybe something you are doing is contributing to the breakdown in communication, as well.
Listen to yourself, see if you are engaged in communication that shuts your teen down. Feel free to share communication patterns that is helpful in increaseing communication with your teen
her.
Have you been feeling left out, locked out, and pushed out of your teen's life? Do you have an eerie feeling that you have been displaced, but you don't know what have displaced you?
Often it is the teens who set up these barriers in the relationship, but parents can do a pretty good job of alienating teens. As I work with parents and teens, I have noteced that there are some commmunication patterns that shut down communication.
Making comparisons between your teen and other teens, is one way of erecting a barrier. I listend to a parent say to her unmotivated teen, "your older brother is doing well, and he is preparing himself for the future." Then the parent went on to say " but you are lazy and wan't try to do anything." I believe it's hard for a teen to be motivated under this deluge of negativity and pessimim.
A teen complained to me that her mother is constantly talking negatively about her to others. She stated that her mother talks loud enough to be heard around the house, and she doesn't want to talk to her mother about anything. The teen felt that whenever she is ready to discuss issues with her mother, her mother is talking negatively about her to others.
Still another teen stated that he liked a certian adult, because when she got mad about something, she got mad, said what she had to say and left it alone. He reported that other adults, would get mad and stay angry for days. He feels that it is easier to comply with someone who got angry and got over it, rather than comply with someone who got angry and stayed angry.
Still another teen observed that he feels interrogated by his parents. He stated that he can't make a move withour his parents asking twenty questions. He reports that he feels watched most of the time.
Other teens have cited their parents accuse them of things all the time, the parents are constantly angry and complaining, and if they tell the parents something in confidence the parents will use it against them when they get angry.
If you fee llocked out, overlookd, and ignored by your teen. I'm sure they are contributing to the breakdown on communication, but maybe something you are doing is contributing to the breakdown in communication, as well.
Listen to yourself, see if you are engaged in communication that shuts your teen down. Feel free to share communication patterns that is helpful in increaseing communication with your teen
her.
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