Hey everybody, I was talking to a parent the other day, and the parent reported that there is no consequence they can give the child that makes a difference in the child's behavior. This isn't the first parent that stated this. In fact, I find that many parents report the same thing. There are many who state that the child isn't responsive to consequences.

One time, I observed a parent. I arrived at about six  pm, after being there for a half an hour, the parent reminded the child that the child was on consequence and should be in their room. The child went to their room for a minute, and returned again. This time they had to use the bathroom,  they came out of the bathroom, asked a question about the show that was on, and cautiously, sat down, and looked at television. The parent didn't seem to notice. The child watched television for another forty five minutes. When the paent realized that the child was sitting there watching television. The parent again informed him that he was supposed to be in his room.

The child replied, "oh, I was going to the bathroom." He went to the bathroom, came out, the parent instructed the child to take care of the pets. The child went to take care of the pets, resurfaced again at around nine pm. When the parent caught the child in a room watching TV. At which point much hollering and fussing was done. The child reported, "Oh, I was on my way to my room." The child loooked as if he was going towards his room, but I think he had to use the bathroom.

Of course, consequences are ineffective. The children aen't really getting any consequences. It seems like a small thing, but when a consequence is issued it''s imperative to follow through. If children are alllowed to dismiss punishments, they will become more aggressive in avoiding punishments. Their misbehavior will become more brazen and bold and they will become more insubordinate.

Many parents are inconsisent because they feel that punishments make them stand guard, and they feel like a warden. Parents feel that they don't want to be too hard, and that the child deserves, treats, priveleges, or whatever. They feel guilty and aggravated. Many parents don't understand that disciplining is simply another way of showing children that they are loved.

It's hard, but remember when you issue a punishment, make it one that you can live with.

Hello everybody,

Recently I visited a home where the child is described as "challenging." He usually runs the roost. Whenever I visit he has multiple tantrums, he touches everything, and he hits others. In general, the child is exceptionally annoying. Clearly the child has Attention Deficit Hyperactivity Disorder.

On this particular day, for some reason, the child was especially cooperative. I asked the parent (Mrs. Restrictive) what changed. She responded that nothing was done in particular. She went on to state how well the child has been doing. She told about how the child has followed instructions, stayed focused, and how the child is doing what he was asked. According to Mrs. Restrictive the child has changed with no intervention.

I observed that Mrs. Restrictive and the father (Mr. Lenient)  were very cordial with each other. They were talking, friendly, and cooperating with each other. Previously, Mr. Lenient, and Mrs. Restrictive were split on how to parent this child. They bickered consistently and chronically about what to do, each were blaming the other's parenting style for the child's misbehavior.

The child would ask for something and when Mrs. Restrictive said no, the child would look at Mr. Lenient, and the arguing would begin. The child usually got his way. If a simple look did not bring on the discord, then a tantrum would surely do the trick. Mr. Lenient would put on his super cape and save the child from discipline and restriction of any sort.

Later during the visit, I inquired about how the bickering was going. Mrs. Restrictive reported that she, and Mr. Lenient are no longer arguing, because she has decided to just let Mr. Lenient work with the child. There has been a significant decrease in arguing.

The point is, sometimes the answer to misbehavior could be as simple as how parents are interacting with each other. A simple decision between two adults, caused a big change in a child's behavior, and possibly the child's future. The child realizes that there will be no more parenting squabbles, about him at least, and that he has to follow the rules set by at least one parent.

Giving young people the ability to cause problems between adults, is too much power for a child, or teen. The youth will spiral out of control, taking the family peace and tranquility with them. If your teen/child is spiraling out of control, reconsider and see if there is an ongoing conflict between parents. This isn't limited to husband and wife relationships, this pattern of one parent overruling another parent especially occurs with single parents who live with their parents.

Pay attention, it may sound far fetched, but yes, our behavior may be at the root of our young people's misbehavior. 

What are you doing  to eliminate/contribute parenting conflict in your home? Write back and let us know.